 Wednesday afternoon -Alex Farr It's a funny thing, driving a cab. You do it, but you don't think about it. You're better off if you don't think about it too much. But people keep asking... "I bet you've got a lot of stories...". Well, not at first I didn't. I drive in Oakland, CA. The dayshift is largely old ladies... going to the beauty shops, and the doctor's offices... but there're plenty of lunatics that slip through... Yeah, I guess I've collected some stories over the years. But, is it anything that the public wants to hear? It's not usually Hollywood style happy endings... It's usually gritty bits of weirdness... and if people really enjoyed that sort of stuff, then we'd all be down in the trenches, rolling along the avenues in cabs, risking our lives in search of amusing anecdotes... despite the fact that any city police force's Intro. Course for a new cab driver points out that it is the most dangerous job in the country. Period. More dangerous than being a cop, or a fireman, or even a fucking 7-11 night manager. It is the most dangerous job in the country. That's not to say it doesn't have its share of amusements. You just have to be a little nuts to appreciate most of it. Like the other day, I was driving along, trying to make it back to a BART cabstand... which I find I'm trying to do more and more, not counting the time I'm at the cabstands and waiting for someone to pay me to stop reading and drive them away. Anyway, I was around the corner from the MacArthur station when a lady starts flagging me. So I smile, because I don't see anyone flagging me more than once a week or so, and I pull over. She has to walk across MacArthur to get to me, and as she gets closer I realize that she's talking to this guy that I'd first taken to be a homeless aluminum and bottle recycler guy (MacArthur's full of them... blocking up lanes of traffic with their shopping cart trains full of cans to be recycled...). She's got her voice raised to try to answer him something over him yelling at her that she's a crazy bitch. 'No wonder she wants a cab...' I'm thinking to myself, trying not to wonder whether I'm cashing in on her misery or just providing a slightly mercenary damsel in distress rescue service. "Look, I have to get downtown, alright!" I hear her yelling as she gets a little closer. Meanwhile, he's yelling back "No you don't, you stupid bitch! What the hell's wrong with you! I told you what you gotta do! But you won't listen! You're fucking nuts, you steaming pile of shit!..." And so on. But then, to my surprise, instead of just hopping in and saying "Get me the hell out of here...", she stops to say "Look, are you gonna give me some money, or not?" Huh? "I told you, I gave you money. Why don't you listen?!..." and so on. I just scratched my head. Maybe she was some sort of Florence Nightingale nut herself... it was the only explanation I could think of at the time for why she didn't just flip him off and ride away in the cab. A few more moments of their arguing, and she finally gets in. "I need to go downtown..." So I start the meter, and start looking for an opening to get into traffic. "Look, ok. You stupid bitch, I'll give you some money, ok?! That's what you really want! You just want all my money!... Fine, I'll give you some more money! Ok..." dude is still yelling all the while, looking like he's about ready to pull out the rest of his hair. I was just ignoring him. If he insisted on jumping in the way of the car, I would just have to hit him... I didn't really have any problems with that, but then the lady opens the other back door to let him in... "I don't have the money on me... we'll have to go back." he was explaining to her. "You're gonna give me the money? I need the money so I can send the fax..." "I told you! Why don't you ever listen!! You... Aaaghhh, you lazy cow bitch! What the hell's the matter with you??..." "No," she tried to explain, "It came back... there was something I did wrong. I have to fix that, and send it again..." and then she looked up toward me, saying "Sir, I need to go downtown, to a Kinko's or something..." I just nodded... "Sure, no problem." "You need more... This is BULLSHIT!! You lousy sack of steaming pus!! You goddamned whore!! There wasn't anything wrong! You just want more of my money!!" "Look, are you gonna give me some money?, or not?" "Uhh," I interrupted "are we going to Kinko's now?..." "No!!" screamed dude. I was starting to not like him too much. "No, I'm sorry, just a left here, and then a right on 37th." "Why don't you LISTEN!!?? I told you... WHY won't you LISTEN, you fat whore!!?" So I drove the block, and I made the right, and I pulled over. "So, are you going to get me the money?" she asked dude pleasantly. "You fucking bitch, you're not listening to me..." he hissed. "You don't need any more money. We have to wait for Janey..." "She's more nuts than you are. I need to get downtown and send that fax..." "You fucking cunt!, I told you... why don't you listen to me?? I told you how to send it!! You stupid piece of trash! You goddamned thieving cunt pus-hole bitch!..." and so on. She just took it for a while. "Look, if you're not going to give me any moeny, I've got to go. You promised to give me some money..." "Ok. Bitch. You lying hunk of rotting meat... but you're gonna have to get out and help me look." So I sat and watched, as they climbed out of the cab and opened the back of a blue blazer, and started sifting around in the piles of crap... while the home boys looked on. They yelled at each other, occasionally throwing something or other from here to there... and eventually they hopped back in the cab. "Ok," said the lady, "we're gonna drop my husband at the end of the block..." 'Husband?', was all I could think, 'maybe he was right in all the things he said about her... if nothing else just because she's still anywhere near him...' They argued some more as I drove the block... nothing new or interesting, just more of the same. Then, at the corner, he said "Wait, you really want some money? Ok, take me back... I'll get you some money. You stinking pile of pigshit..." So I made a U-turn, and back to the blazer I went. He sifted around in the thing some more... and eventually came back with a sock. "Ok, so you've got the money?" I asked. "Yeah... I've got the money." he answered me. "Good," I said. "Let me see it." "Well, no. You see, we're gonna have to go to the bank to get the money..." I nodded. "You've got an ATM card?" "Yeah, he's got his bank card..." she answered for him. I nodded some more. "Let me see it." I'd had about enough of their shit by now... So he handed me a card, and it didn't even have raised print. It was like the generic checks they give you when you open a checking account... but didn't quite look as legitimate. "What the hell is this?" I asked. "It's my bank card..." "Shit... I've never seen anything like this... forget about it. You got cash?" "I've got six dollars, sir." the nice lady said. "Ok, let me have it." She fished it out of her purse, and a minute later it was in my hand. The meter was at $6.46 or some shit. I stared at it a second, thinking... and decided. "Ok, you got any more cash?" "No, I told you," said dude, admiringly refraining from calling me a steaming tank of frog vomit, or any such thing, "I told you, what we're gonna have to do, is go to the bank... then we'll take her downtown, then we can take me, and drop me off... or... yeah." I just nodded. "Naah, I don't think so. Get out." "Sir, could you just be a human being about this?... She needs to get downtown." "You got any cash in that sock of yours?" "No, sir, I don't..." "So, you're just gonna take the six bucks and you're not gonna take us anywhere?" "That's right. You wasted my time, and that costs six bucks. Look, the meter's pushing seven... now get the fuck out of my cab!" "Sir, look... please, could you just be a human being about this..." he tried to plead again, as I got out and opened the door so I could yank him out bodily if I had to... "... she really needs to get downtown...." If I hadn't've had to listen to him calling her a blubbery stack of blueberry horseshit for the last ten minutes, I might've been moved... as it was- "Look, get the fuck out of my cab, or I'm gonna drag you out..." I told him, keeping one eye on the lady, and another on the home boys, and yet another on dude himself. It was a good thing I wore glasses, sometimes a man needs four eyes on this job... He stared at me for a second, and then he apparently decided I meant it... cause he finally climbed out of the cab, muttering "I know... I used to drive cab... I could totally poison you... but naah, I'll let it slide..." I just nodded, closed all the doors for them, and drove away. I still can't decide though, if it was the easiest six bucks I ever made, or not.
|